Campbell sent me an e-mail

I got an e-mail that said Campbell wanted to tell me something. Awwwwwww...

Life...

I don't understand how things work sometimes. I try and try and try to live my life like I am supposed to. And I know that the testing of our faith is supposed to make us stronger. I guess, today, I just don't feel like being tested. :) I am so exhausted. As much as I may like my job, I do not like being gone from my family full-time. It has pretty much sucked the life out of me. Stephen is doing a great job at home, and my work is going well. But I don't think I will ever get used to this arrangement. And I know that Stephen wants to be the one providing as well. But right now, we are doing what we have to do and taking things one day at a time. I guess the only answer is to trust God to work things out in His time and not ours. My problem is that my trust in Him and my faith is weak. Not because of Him, but because of me. Not sure how to get back to where I used to be...guess I just wanted to get these thoughts down.

UGH

I had to be one of those friend tonight that had to tell someone that I loved them, but they are making some really poor decisions. They didn't want to hear what I had to say. I am not sure I wanted to say it, but I don't feel like I had a choice. My heart hurts.

Been a long time...

I was reading back through my blog yesterday. I almost don't even know that person anymore. Things in my life are so incredibly different now that I don't even remember some of those feelings that I had. I have gone back to work full-time. And when I say full-time, I mean I leave my house at 6:15 and the earliest I ever get home is 5:20. Most days closer to 6. I don't know what's going on at the kids' school. I don't know what's going on with any of my friends or their kids. It's just really strange. I am very thankful for my job and the new friends I have made there, but it's just really different. Maybe Stephen will be able to find a job soon and I can come back home again, but I am not sure, even if he does find a job, that things will ever be the same.

Luke started Kindergarten this year. It is SO hard to fathom how fast these 5 years have gone by. I was looking at one of the first posts on here. Stephen had gotten me a digital camera for Mothers' Day because I had started this blog and he wanted me to be able to post pictures on here. Luke was almost a year old and the most precious littly baby boy. I almost didn't even remember that. He used to make this face where he would wrinkle his nose and it was so cute!

I also found pics of Claire's first day of school. She looks SO little!!! And I found a pic of Jordan and Luke and they looked like babies. I guess because they were :) Jordan will be 11 in December so he certainly doesn't look like a baby anymore. Campbell was about the sweetest thing you have ever seen.

So, all of that to say, I woke up today and found myself in a whole new world. It's one I don't recognize and one that I thought would be forever getting here. I am still supposed to be that young skinny mom taking my babies to playgroup and coming home and making lunch, then naps, then more playing...the simple life. I miss it so badly I can hardly stand it. Most days, I feel like I don't know how to be a mom of big kids. I always wanted to be a mom, but I just never pictured the growing up part, just the baby part. And now to feel like I am missing the last of the baby/toddler stuff just about does me in.

Now that all that venting is over, I would like to take this time to brag on my husband. While this isn't the ideal situation for either of us, I do think when I can take a step back and look, we are both doing a pretty good job of handling things. Does he want to be at home with the kids right now? Probably not, just like I don't really want to be working. But usually when I get home from work, on the nights he doesn't have a soccer game, he has the living room/kitchen picked up, dinner almost done, homework on its way to being finished, so that I can come home and not be totally overwhelmed. Just like when I was home, some days go better than others :) But he is doing an amazing job and I don't ever feel like he is taking what I am doing for granted. He is also writing his column agan, which I am so happy about! He is an amazing writer and gets so much satisfaction from doing it. Even if he does "stir the pot" a bit with his column ;)

Anyway, I realized how much I missed writing out my thoughts and how much it used to help me get these feelings down on paper and move on from them. So here I am. Not sure how often I will be writing, but hopefully it won't be months again.

What Do I Know of Holy?

I heard this song today for the first time and it knocked me to my knees. SO good! It's by Addison Road.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?