Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Struggling...

Sometimes I really struggle with what to write here. I started this blog as an attempt to keep out of town family up to date on the kids. Then it became more of a journal of things that I was going through. I am also not sure if I want to share everything I am feeling, because I don't know who all reads this and if I would really want everyone to know what is going through my head. That having been said...

When we decided to bring the kids home, I was confident that God was telling us to do this. I thought we had prayed about it and the signs looked very clear at the time. Now, I am not so sure. Was God actually telling us to bring them home? Was He telling us to just pull them from the school where they were and put them back at their old school? Was I really praying about it at all?

I would like to believe that the reason this has been so hard is because I am in God's will so Satan is just having fun with me. That is the explanation that makes me feel better about this anyway. But I am wondering if I heard Him wrong. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Alice, if you are reading this, I don't know how you have done it successfully all these years. I question daily whether or not to put the kids back in school. Are they learning everything they need to be? Right now, the answer is no. Are they happy? Would they be happier with friends? Can I be selfless enough to make this work?

I honestly have no idea. I just know that today, I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't know if they are better off being at home with me. I don't know if keeping them at home will turn out to be the best thing we've ever done, or if it will turn out to be a huge mistake that we have to learn from. I have great kids; I just want what's best for them, and right now, I am not sure what that is.

2 comments:

Mary Alice said...

Elizabeth, I am so sorry that you are struggling. And I will be praying for you - for discernment - that you will know exactly what God is telling you to do.

I understand completely that feeling of second-guessing...Is it God talking? Or is it Satan doing his best to make us think it's God? I feel like I walk daily with this struggle. I am not sure how we get to the point that we just KNOW - except to keep asking God for wisdom and discernment, again and again and again.

One thing I do know that your kids need from you is your unconditional love - and there is NO DOUBT that they have that in HEAPS! You are an incredible momma who only wants the best for her kids. I also pray that you will cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of grace. You do an amazing job!

Julie Adams said...

You are so amazing and I know that you are in a hard place. I look up to you in so many ways.I just want you to know that you have me when you need me. I am always there for you.