I have many thoughts running through my head tonight. But the main one is this:
I am craving simplicity. Right now, with money tight, I still find myself with too much. Too much stuff. I am overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that I have in my house. And I am overwhelmed with the fact that I have a house at all. I think about Dowensky, a little boy in Haiti, waiting to come home to his family. I think about how little he has. I think about sweet Ashley Adams who is in the hospital fighting for her life at age 2. I think about the things I complain about and it makes me sick to my stomach. Why can't I get it together!?! I think about my kids and their constant begging for more, and I wonder, "What am I teaching them?" Right now, I see that I have taught them the importance of things. The importance of toys. The importance of restaurants. The importance of going places. I want so badly to just be still. I want so badly to clean out my house so that I can keep it straight and clean, peaceful, for my family. But I find myself struggling to know where to begin. What do I do with my stuff once I clean it out? Why would anyone else want to deal with my junk when I don't even want to deal with it?
I don't know where all this is going, but I know God is teaching me something. I feel him working in me. This morning in class, Bobby shared this thought with us and it really hit me. He was talking about how we go through things. Like our financial situation, for instance. He was saying that sometimes, if we don't give our situation over to God, he will take it to get our attention. He will take it to teach us. Sometimes I feel like God is saying to me, "I really wanted to bless you with this, but you wouldn't just give it over to me. I had so much more in store for you." He used the illustration of disciplining our kids. "I really would have rather spent the day at the zoo with you, but because you wouldn't obey me, now you have to spend the day in your room." I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but it really did with me. I don't think I conveyed it very well, though. Sorry.
I will write more on this later, but for now, Campbell calls...